A Heavy Topic

One of my sole sisters, Patti, is participating in a weight loss camp, and we are all encouraged to give healthy weight loss another try. For the next six weeks, my small group of sole sisters will be holding each other accountable to help us reach our individual goals.

Let me start by saying, I don’t think I am fat. I don’t think I am obese (even though the internet tells me I am…). No one has told me I am fat. My husband reminds me daily that I am beautiful and that he loves my body just as it is. I have certain goals that I would to achieve to feel better for me. Here’s a little background…

As a teenager, I was devastated from a high school breakup. I didn’t think I was fat, but I was so upset over the loss of relationship and people talking about it that I completely stopped eating. It was a scary time after a dramatic weight loss, so I promised myself to never starve myself again. (Which I think is now partly linked to my stress eating, but hey, at least I am not starving.)

In my early twenties, I was in a relationship that tore down my self-confidence. I was constantly reminded that my body wasn’t proportioned correctly, which led to my spouse telling me that he was the only person that would ever find me attractive. When I look back at photos from that time, I feel so frustrated that I ever thought my body wasn’t okay. I would love if my body looked like that now! I didn’t eat properly though. I am a much smarter person now, which has made the struggle of gaining 40+ pounds even more difficult.

Look at that bod!
Look at that body! This was right after my first half marathon in spring 2011.

I know, I know…I’m getting older, blah, blah blah…but still. 🙂 In my new job, I am by far the biggest person in the office. The people I work with are only encouraging to me about my weight, they’ve never made me feel like I am the biggest person, but I often feel like I did in sixth grade when I towered over every girl and boy. I want to feel comfortable in my skin. I want my professional clothes to fit again. It’s so frustrating to spend money on clothes that I hope will only fit for a small part of time. I could be using that money for race entries or something. 🙂

I have become more aware of what I eat, when I eat it, and how much I eat. But yet, I have still maintained this heavier weight. I’m sure I will get a bunch of “amens” from my runner friends when I say, “just because I run a stupid amount of miles (which is normal to me, but whatevs), I can’t eat whatever I want!” When I trained for my first marathon I was terrible about rewarding myself with treats, but again, I am much smarter and aware now. Same thing about eating out, I try to make better choices. The weight is much harder to take off than it was to put on! (DUH!)

I have recently become especially motivated, so I hope that by putting it out here on the internet, that I will be able to stay motivated when I want that sleeve of Thin Mints. As you know, I recently got married. We eloped because we didn’t see the point in waiting – we knew we were meant for each other. We also want to start a family sooner than later. I want to change my body and lifestyle not only for myself, but also my future family. On the selfish side, I know I am going to gain weight, be bloated, etc…so if I can lose a bit before starting a family, I will have a good after goal. Most importantly, I hope I will be a good role model. I also have a very specific marathon goal for this fall. Again, on the selfish side, I want to be faster…the less fat I am carrying around, the better chances I have of being faster and reaching my goal. Not to mention, if I am able to lose the weight to get back in to my clothes…my confidence will be better.

Don’t worry, I won’t share my before pictures now…I’m waiting for what I hope will be a good AFTER photo!